Fairly Bad Mother's Vapid Ramblings

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well look who turned up on our beach today!

Seems that the cannister my neighbour found and reported to the police might have been a tad sinister! Unfortunately Ive no idea what it was and what caused them to call out the Bomb Squad.

Oh hmmmm it wasted a few hours I should have been concentrating on my accounts.

I've come back, well not strictly true, I was reminded the other day that I have a blog page that I used to ramble on now and then, tonight Anne my darling friend came for dinner, we as usual drank wine, discussed god or not god depending on your view point, the kids, food and our own skills as wife, cook and general skivvy.

Anne showed me hers - blog page that is, on it she talks about her skills with the needle, and I realised my lack of patience nowadays, I wonder why I'm less content to sit and sew? I suspect its because I'm getting older and more aware of the days passing, already we have had the school summer holiday, already the kids are back to school.. which brings another milestone.  Sophie my youngest daughter started senior school, a major event in her life, one she was happy and more than willing to start, I'm less keen, Sophie is hearing impaired, a bigger school bring more issues, teachers who care less, understand less and more people who would seem to find a simple disability a joke. However she appears to be holding her own, declares herself happy and finds school awesome!

I dont recall school being awesome, I hated every solitary minute, I was disadvantaged at school, by the time I was 11 I was already the tallest in my year, I was lathe thin, wore glasses and braces, and worse was dressed in sensible clothes by my mother, I hated school, I hated the other kids, especially their small minded petty ways, I hated the name calling, the bullying, especially the bullying, Mother well she was born genuinely disabled, having one leg short than the other and a pronounced limp, she survived school so I guess she assumed some name calling was tame by comparrison. Wrong again mother. I was stabbed with a compass, I had lumps of hair torn from my head, my mothers answer was to give little homelies like, tell them "sticks and stones......"  "They don't breed fat thorebreds"  well yes that helps........NOT

I met Anne at a party, my first thoughts were, jeez she is scarey, has an opinion and not afraid to use it, but the reality is that we are good friends, and actually share many opinions, and share our passionate love for our families, our children for better of for worse... actually I often wondered why those words are never used in the baptism, they would be so appropriate don't you think?  We bring a child into this world, bring them up in our own vision and love them warts and all, for better, for worse, they our own and we love them regardless, we may not actually like them some days, wish them far from us others, but but but for  better, the good days, the happy, and I love you days, for the worse, you are a git, your are rude and disgusting days, we love them for better for worse. I dunno, unconditional love is so bloody painful.

Hmm so why did I start this blog again? erm well Ive had some wine, always a good start, I heard something about some people that made realise that I'm glad I'm not in a friendship with them, Oh because Anne and I said we'd exchange blogs.

So Anne my lovely funny friend this blog albeit a rambling one, that went slightly off tangent (a little like our conversations I feel)  is so that you have something current to read. Oh and I'm glad you likes the icecream even if I didnt make much this time.

It seems like an enternity since I posted, indeed it was several months and whilst nothing too startling has happened here on the sunny River Clyde, Ive been given cause to consider how quickly a day passes.

Children across the world can be heard to sigh and wonder why time is going so slowly when a birthday, christmas or holiday approaches, whilst as adults we stop and say 'goodness is it April already?" Often of course when it's the summer and we are approaching week 4 or 5 when boredom starts to set in, and the rows become more frequent we scream inwardly "OMG there's another 3 weeks to go, Ill be mad as a hatter before then!".

My eldest daughter will be 21 next week, and some days it seems like a lifetime has passed since she arrived screaming her head off (for 2 solid hours) and others just yesterday when she was sleeping in a crib that seemed to engulf her. So much has happened and so many happy events, but there has been some tragic and unhappy times too.

In the 21 years many people have been in and out of our lives, some still held fast as long and true friends, others just flitted through briefly leaving a memory thats sometimes distant. In these years I started to chat to people on the internet so became the difference between real life friends and internet aquaintances, often the two became one and I have some beautiful people in my life, some I talk to weekly some just occassionally to catch up and chatter a few hours away.

Also in this time via the internet I discovered that some people aren't who they appear to be, hidden behind a screen, their personality something invented or a persona of the person they want to be, also I found that some people use this hidden identity to cause harm, not often but there has been a few. It's been rare Ive had a row with an internet friend, feeling silly falling out with what amounts to be an imaginary friend. When it has happened I've been shocked, but like all relationships you have to pick up the pieces and move on, after all tomorrow is another day.

Which brings me back to my musing about how quickly a day passes.

Today I learned that an internet friend who had been diagnoised as terminal just a year ago has just a few precious days possibly just hours to live. I wondered how that day would pass for her family, and wondered if they felt they wanted to both let her go quickly to relieve her suffering and pain, but to also hold onto every special minute, savour the last few breaths and wish that they had the year again, wanting to do something differently.

I cannot be there, she was just an internet friend, but through her postings, I made a friend who was brave and funny, who was anguished and angry. Her near death means that Im awaiting to hear that she has finally died, that she will no longer be a close stranger.

This day will pass slowly for all of us that know this lovely lady Amanda but at the same time will march on relentlessly to her inevitable end.

Amanda I salute you and offer blessings and strength to your family for the hard days to come.

It should'nt be so hard to find a dress for the Farmer's ball, but it is, I'm too short, too wide at the top, too lumpy around the middle...sigh.

I've of course left it very late to find something to wear, so in an effort to avoid the communial changing rooms Ive ordered several dresses to try on, but I just dont look like the models, I look, well plain frumpy. Ive finally settled on a dress, black, plain, simple. Maybe when I have my hair done, nails done Ill feel more in the spirit of things. I'll try all the dresses on again tomorrow, Ill get out some pretty shoes and put on some makeup perhaps that will make me look less old, frumpy - gah who am I kidding?

Illness, everywhere is illness, family, friends, its depressing and annoying, no-one is well at the moment, His lordship was diagnosed with pneumonia, but would he rest? nope not at all, so its taking longer to recover. I was supposed to have a small proceedure at the hospital, but they refused to do it on the basis that I was coughing.

Its depressing all round, my friends dad died suddenly, and whilst I tried to support her, many many feelings came to the surface, too many reminders of Matthew, and today I got a message to say my old school friend has died from cancer, god you feel old when friends are dying, RIP Maggie, I'll always remember you.

And today Im feeling unloved and unsupported, my kidney condition flared again, and my supposed forum friends ignored me, or decided to make a joke of it, well thanks ladies, after all the help, support and encouragement you have had from me over the last 3 weeks, a little message of concerned surely wouldnt have hurt, but I guess you are all too wrapped up in yourselves and your need for support makes you blind to others some days, or maybe Im the butt of all jokes. Im used to being invisible, but on a chat forum? wow thats going some.

So self pity thread today.

Oh heavans is it really July since I posted?? Well guess the summer holidays took care of 8 weeks!

So little has happened and yet so much, the kids went back to school YEAH, then immediately were home again BOOOOOOO (half term) but we did have a small break away to Dumfries YEAAAAAAH, and it only raining one day!

So today mainly sees me peed off, not totally unusual, but some is to do with my friend losing her baby at 35 weeks, so very sad, it bought back so many vivid memories of losing Matthew, the undertakers, the post mortem, and all the messages. What really hit me most is that another friend has been collecting donations via our forum which is so fantastic, and esp when you discover that over 100 people donated, however this then made me realise how much of our own collection was stolen from, an average of £5 per donor which means £500, the thief (I no long consider her worthy of any other title) only handed over £138, we have been told over and over that there was much more money. so many people wanting to offer some crumb of comfort. I guess now we will never know. I have vowed however that once Maggie's funeral is over I will be starting to be more open, yes I know I should have made a fuss before, yeah yeah ok hindsight and all that... I have been asked directly by some people about the money and been very evasive, but no more Mrs Niceperson (oooo how PC is that?) if you ask me directly about the money, how long it took to get it, and the fact I had to threaten her with legal action (forum name of Mrs Def for anyone who cares)

Okies tomorrow is Prize giving night for the sailing club, can you tell Im brimming with excitment? NO?? well that's cos you'd be right. Why do we do these things to ourselves? Joining clubs that have their own set agendas that don't tally with the 'printed' version? For instance they have a website, pretty boring it was, and the committee paid £200 for it to be updated, this of course never happened, so Moi offered her services for free, on the understanding that it would get done in my own time, and that unless said committee and members sent me content/pictures etc I couldn't do it. Oh yes I uploaded committee members details, I uploaded membership forms, rotas etc, and yes I did inadvertantly put the wrong village name - Fruedian slips happen you know! which I corrected. so why do they feel the need to send emails back and forth to each other, which I get a copy because someone doesnt know how to delete my name from the CC list (oh you got to love technoidiots don't you?) asking why stuff isnt done.

Well, I  respond which must be a shock for the complainer, I mean I'm not supposed to know you are complaining, and in fact far to stupid to actually chase up the people who should be sending stuff in. Worse still the commodore of said club was instructed to 'speak' to me. she has rung twice and chickened out both times. Oh how I've laughed at the silence on the phone when she runs out of small talk!  Oh and speaking of doing things arsewise about, I had also taken on the newsletter, because it was boring, I mean who wants to read 2 pages of badly typed, badly laid out text complete with spelling mistakes (yes I know I make them but not on the newsletter ok?), so it was interesting to receive a newsletter earlier this month? HUH? I didn't do that, and yes look it's rubbish again oh and sent via email in a format most people can't download- I have of course responded, and I'm not always shy about my feelings, so I thanked them for the newsletter and enquired what was wrong with my previous efforts, and more to the point wouldn't it have been so much more erm what's the word? oh yes POLITE to have contacted me first? Oh you had a quick meeting over the phone to decide this? and no nothing wrong with my efforts, you just decided I WAS TOO BUSY? sorry becoming all ranty there.

So back to the prize night, apparantly the two boys and youngest daughter are getting certificates, but L (middle daughter) who improved to such a standard that she actually participated in a Regatta and came second overall, she turned up for all her race officer duties and that of her brothers, she apparantly will be getting nothing! Ah so you don't want to encourage her to turn up again then?

Do you know how many days till Christmas? ok maybe you do and don't actually care, or perhaps you just fainted, in which case I'll wait awhile till you come round.......... "feeling better?" so just a few short weeks then the big man in the red suit puts in an appearance, aww come on get into the spirit of things, this weekend will see me making puddings, lots of them, plus two cakes this year, oh yes two, because my eldest daughter has put me on the spot, she told the chef at the castle that my cake was far better than his, and he said prove it, ha ha ha no pressure then? I mean he is a professional, he has made hundreds of cakes, he has his own shop on the grounds selling to tourists, waaaaaaa - ok I'm sorted minor panic over, just get on with it.

Oh I know something that made my son and friend laugh, someone on screen was declaring themselves a survivour, WTF? we are all survivours but you don't need to be needy about it. So in my moment of bitchiness I said "shit happens, you just wipe your foot and walk on"  (with apologies to Forrest Gump) I mean 'Im a survivour' is just begging people to ask "oh survived what?" then immediately regret asking, because at the end of the day they don't really care, they walked in their own lump of shit and moved on.........

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My Wee Man 7 yesterday!!

This weekend saw me in the hospital mainly crying with pain, vomiting frequently but mostly crying with pain.

My deficient kidney or more correctly Euretha (sp) tube decided to back up and become severely inflammed, the result was me writhing in pain on the waiting room floor because the A&E triage nurse said I wasn't and Accident or Emergency, however after trying to contact the elusive NHS 24hr Doctor  for 40mins- who miraculously appeared from an office directly opposite from where I was collapsed it was decided I was most deffinately an emergency.

After being administered a shot of Pethidine and some antiemtic, neither of which worked, another does was administered 40mins later along with some Buscopan to reduce spasms, and on to a ward to be monitored, again 90mins later it was decided that the pain relief just wasnt hitting the spot and only made me delirious (who can tell the difference some might say) another 'stop and elephant in its tracks' dose was given, bliss bliss bliss, well Im assuming so as I only remember the nurse saying 'just a wee jag' (Jag being the term for jab here in scotland) several hours later I recall being roused to assess my level of consciousness, leave me alone I was sleeping!! What I do remember behind the haze that was my brain function is the relief of no pain, YEAH please can I take it home with me?

The doctor suggested that as I was seeing the Consultant Bod on the Thursay my case would be so much stronger if I were to be an in-patient! I explained I was no longer in pain etc, but they thought that they could get around that by keeping me in and keeping me dosed on pain killers, good lord a hospital that actually wants to keep a patient IN the hospital? I've declined the offer of free bed and board for the week, and will take my chances on Thursday that I can appear pretty pathetic and get moved along the waiting list.

Meanwhile my body is reacting to the Pethidine and other meds to the extent my memory is shot to pieces and I itch, fortunatetly more meds are helping.  Oh Joy

Mum is due to visit tomorrow for a few days, we haven't seen her since Matt's funeral so it will be nice to see her on more happier grounds... meanwhile I need to get my keester into gear and get the house into some kind of tidy, only the kids just don't want to help

Ok I pride myself on my technical skills, Im pretty good with the 'puter and frequently help out my neighbour with his numerous questions - the latest issue is that the fan is making a noise at night thus keeping him awake, I suggested that turning it off would be a good idea, then later Ill pop round and clean it "I cant do that what will happen to all my emails?"  Ive tried to explain but he isnt convinced that they wont disappear into cyber space for good if his pc isnt turned on....

so why is it the Sky box totally baffles me when it fails? its a box with buttons but when it fails I cannot fathom how to make it behave, I suspect it's age has something to do with the frequent problems, last week it kept saying no signal being received, today the screen was blank, I tried everything, turned it off and on again several times, rang Sky and got their lovely helpful "may I call you by your first name" technical bod, who guided me through the process.. unplug the TV and unplug the skart cable......wtf why does that make a difference?

Now ok Ill admit to once telling my mother to unplug the printer cable and shake it to get rid of any data that might be caught in it..... but it did work!  but I still havent figured why unplugging cables and switching the ends round could possibly make a difference? I have visions of a roomful of technicalbods laughing their wee socks off "you wont beleive what I got a client doing today?"

I used to work for a well known computer company on the engineering desk, Id take calls from clients whose machine was 'broked' - we would have a set proceedure to take them through, step one is the machine turned on? yes? are you sure are the lights on? what is on the screen? and on and on, just once and only the once did I make a booboo of mega proportions, I sent an engineer 200 miles to look at a computer with total failure, nothing was working, the engineer eventually returned somewhat sooner than I had expected and certainly not the happiest bunny in the hutch.

Id gone through the entire check with the woman and she had answered correctly - Id asked if the machine was plugged in, yes it was, but Id failed todo because Id assumed she would have checked automatically that the socket was actually switched on! It's not rocket science, it's not hard, but it helps considerably.

Another client who lacked a few brain cells I think, who daily rang for help, finally in frustration I asked if she had windows, yes I do, well pick up the computer and hurl it through one, fortunately she didn't.

I digress as usual, my Sky box now works, but the sound is very dodgy, well more the speech is out of synch on the film Im watching, other channels seem fine, now do I ring the technicalbods and ask for help? do I unplug the thing switch a few cables around, or do I just assume that its their fault, give up and watch something else?

yeah yeah Ill go watch something else.

better yet Ill go cook something for the kids, it's the school holidays - week three is looming, do you know how long a week is?

Yahooooooo I survived my first grown up party!! lots of people arrived and bearing gifts would you beleive. Some came I suspect to view the house, the previous owners had 8 dogs, 2 parots, assorted llamas, horses, geese, ducks, monkey etc so the house was pretty grim at one point. However they all seemed very impressed with its new look, not least the black and white kitchen theme! Im still trying to figure how we managed to drink so much booze but still have so much left, for instance we had 3 empty bottles of Vodka, we had bought 4 for the party, which would leave 1 full bottle, but somehow I have 4 bottles of Vodka - go figure!

Sailing cadets was Monday, generally I slow down enough to throw the kids out (joke) then collect them at 9pm, which I did this week, I went into the club house to say Hi etc and chatted to Alex about the party and first aid kits which apparently the club is in dire need of, I said that we would supply stock etc as this is part of our business, I was to speak to Fiona who dealt with this sort of thing, but she blanked me when I tried to talk to her, then later I find out she had called J a stupid boy, now he maybe many things but stupid he isnt, I checked that he hadnt done anything to wind her up, then placed an official complaint with the commodore... This lady is known for her bad temper and rude attitude, and it seems that most people just shrug it off, well not this bunny, she can be rude all she likes but I for one will not tolerate it, ok if she doesnt like me, fair enough Im an aquired taste perhaps, but outright rudness in an adult is not acceptable. So the commodore has again spoken to this person (not for the first time I gather) and this person has agreed that perhaps she needs to pull her neck in a bit. J also needs to curb his temper and not lose sight of the reasons he is at the club....... to learn to sail and maybe this person knows more than a 13yo boy!

Finally Mum has joined the wireless PC age... not before she experienced some issues she said, however on talking to her it seems that in fact she was already connected but hadnt realised... oh hmmmmmmmmmm

Mum also rang me with some news. It seems that C my sisters long term fella has been offered a job of a lifetime, and went off for interview - in Dubai, my sister knows nothing of this as she is in the middle of the Atlantic on a 68ft clipper, how she will re-act no one knows, and would she follow him is another issue, I hope not in many ways, its only since Matt died that she and I have become closer and Id hate to lose that now, OK we can talk on the net and phone, but it doesnt seem the same somehow. Im not sure how Mum will deal with it either, she seemed excited for him but I suspect that not being able to see T at the drop of a hat might be more upsetting than she would let on... I guess we will have to get the downstairs guest room sorted much quicker than previously planned.

and finally the weather, I mean what the hell is going on? its June for goodness sakes, what happened to Flaming June? was those couple of hot weeks in May all we are going to get? the kids break up on Friday for the holidays and I could not cope with them indoors for SIX WEEKS! oh well I guess we can always go swimming or the pictures or something inside...

Oh and speaking of the weather, it seems some of it is coming through the roof into my kitchen, thats my newly finished kitchen - and can I find the number of the people who did the repairs last year? noooo of course not, can I remeber the company name, noooooooo of course not, do I have the mobile number of V whose company did the work - nooooooooooo not a chance.

Some days I dont like being a growed up person some days Id like to just be able to shout "DAAAAAAAAD theres water coming through the ceiling", then return to listening to Radio One and ignore the problems of dealing with other grown ups and the problems of dealing with grown up stuff like bills, houses, kids and all the crap that comes with it....

Im not honest Im not going to panic!! The floor WILL be finished Im sure, the food will be ediable - our lovely neighbour is insisting that he does the BBQ - Im so worried he might poison someone, either that or Mrs Neighbour who informed me last night she has made two Lemon Merangue pies for the party - eeeeeeeek does merangue keep that long?

So Im faced with a floor not finished, a husband the other end of the country, a stereo that wont work, a son who said he will do the music, Ive tried to explain that at our age techno music sounds like a badly tuned radio, hey ho, and food that may or may not be ediable. (Please does merangue keep?)

The up side is that I don't know how many are coming - ha ha ha so thats just the 6 of us so far then... nope Im not going to panic. The weather has been foul for days, Ive even had to resort to putting the heating on, yes yes I know we live in Scotland and what do I expect??? SUNSHINE thats thats what, not too much to ask is it?

Am I coming across manic?

Oh and I bought a dress, beautiful it is, and shoes to go with it till C asked if they (the shoes) are suitable for a BBQ - why? whats wrong with strappy stilettos? Oh yeah grass, grass and spikey heels dont mix, soon remedied I bought some wedges, which are cool I used to wear them in the 70's/80's first time round and loved them, except this time round I walk like Frankistiens monster, clump clump clump, oh yes thats the image I want!

Am I still sounding Manic?

What next? oh yes one couple invited to the party seemed to miss the point that its for growed up people, not adults with kids in tow, Ive had to send a subtle email "sorry I think J has misunderstood about the party, that its for grown ups and I hope he isnt too upset at not being able to come" I should have been a diplomat, feel I handled that well, pass the blame onto a 10 year old seems like a great plan.

Oh hummmmmm oh yes I remember now, saw the doctor about my apparently dodgy kidney, seems that its not actually kidney stones (you mean Ive been drinking 2 litres a day for nothing?) but a dodgy shaped uretha tube - thats the little tube from the kidney to the bladder, and pee doesnt come through it very quickly, why suddenly its decided to be awkward after all these years I dont know, but it seems I can have it fixed in a jiffy, well more like as a day patient across the waater, meantime keep taking the mega strength pain killers "yeah man what a gas".  Its also apparent that my monthly period is the cause of my anemia, not so much a flow as a full monsoon type flood for 2-3 days, now I have super strength Iron tabs which make me puke (needed to lose a little weight) and some magic pills that are supposed to reduce the flow - the result of all these meds meant a huge dent in the weekly budget, Ive now got a certificate that says Ive paid in advance which should reduce the eventual costs.

 Oh well I guess Id better google Merangues (or however you spell it) and see if the blasted things can be kept for 4 days, otherwise Im going to have to cook again..........

Dad's Army - They don't like it up 'em

In my efforts to get down my jubliant one up on my son I neglected to mention my own stupidity, well its not stupidity in a stupid way, just in a Dur and Huh kind of way.

C and I managed to attend a ceilidh without our lovely chaperons (they have been wonderful and introduced us to the locals) and found we could actually talk to other people without too many gaffs, so much so that the following morning as we port mort'ed the evening I heard my voice say "you know we ought to have a BBQ and invite people over", it was one of those moments where you discover you have your hand in the air and volunteered to make 200 cupcakes for the PTA bring and buy stall, or worse agreed to man one of them for an 'hour only' (yeah right been there too)

Give C his due he did say yes and it could be for your birthday too, great idea, all we needed was a guest list, food list and good hot Scottish sun.

However several days later as I was hoovering the carpet, I realised that this carpet was badly stained from the previous owners dogs, and worse the bathroom one stank (why carpets in bathrooms for godsake?) - so I decided to rip up the bathroom one, afterall its not a huge room and wont cost much to replace, BUT and there is always a BUT I decided I couldnt possibly have people over with the hall carpet so minging. C agreed we could replace it and it did take him a few days to realise he also wanted solid wood floor.

So here I sit with cases of wood flooring waiting to be laid, having removed the old carpet - OMG it was dreadful, the underlay virtually rotting from god knows how much dog piss. C is due home this evening as is Oldest Daughter to celebrate my birthday, The party is a week away, so if you have any skills at laying wood flooring now is the time to shout out!

Speaking of birthdays, Ive been requested to supply a 'list of stuff Id like' and found I couldnt think of very much, Id already had a new telephoto lens for my camera and mightly pleased with it I must say (see picture of heavy traffic passing by my house) - The Grand Princess heading up the Clyde to Greenock at 7.10am this morning

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So what does a 40 something want for her birthday?  well I needed some make up bits, and asked for some plants for the garden, Id love a pink handbag to go with my pink shoes - which are the wrong shade to go with the pink dress I bought for the party....

So back to the party, well Ive invited people we have met and like, but now I feel a little like a stalker, will these people think Im some kind of English nutter who invites people randomly to parties, or will they be pleased that they impressed me enough to be asked? Im also having random panic attacks, mostly because I opted for the funny approach when sending out invites, "BBQ for K's birthday bring a brolly and sunglasses you know the drill, blah blah" - would I respond? well yes because Im a sad case and want to be liked, and yes Id be a little concerned that some 'almost stranger' has invited me to their party.

So Im either going to be sat here with a shed load of burgers and salads waiting for people to arrive, or everyone of the buggers will turn up - C said no more than 20, I thought he meant couples - dur he meant people, opps well Ill just deny that I knew they were coming........